I'm Not Crazy
by kaz456
Summary: Jake's breaking down, but not if he can help it. Oneshot.


**A/N: ** I'm not even sure myself where this came from.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

It had been a bad battle yesterday. The worst one yet, and that was saying a lot. 

If I was anybody else other than myself, then I would have tried to forget about the battle. I would have sat down on my couch and watched wrestling while stuffing my face full of chips. Maybe I would have even let my dad sit with me and pretend that we were having "father-son bonding time."

But I wasn't anyone else. I was me. Jake, the leader of the Animorphs, humanity's only hope for salvation. And as a leader, it was my job to rally the troops and make sure that they didn't get too down.

So I had called a meeting—an emergency meeting, which meant the same as a regular meeting but sounded better.

Although really, if you thought about it, the battle could have gone worse. We had gotten out alive with all of our limbs intact. What more could we ask for?

I was the last to arrive at the barn, which was the way that I had wanted it. I would walk in and by the time I walked back out, all the people in the barn would be transformed into refreshed, motivated, warriors.

I surveyed the scene in front of me in the barn. Everyone was there. Rachel, leaning tensely against the wall. Marco, arms crossed, sitting on a bale of hay. Cassie, walking around, checking the stat charts on each of the cages. Ax, in human morph, standing unsteadily. Tobias, in the rafters. And me.

"Hey guys," I said brightly. No one acknowledged that I had spoken. "Thanks for coming."

"Like we had a choice," Marco muttered.

I ignored him and plowed on. "So. Last night. Last night…was bad." I clapped my hands together, rubbed my hands up and down, and cracked my knuckles. "Last night was really bad. But it's all right. It's over, and we can put that battle behind us."

Rachel kicked at a piece of hay on the floor. Tobias noisily rearranged his feathers.

"Guys," I pleaded. No, not pleaded. Leaders don't plead, they command. "Guys," I said firmly. "I know we're all feeling a little worn out, a little tired. That's understandable. But I think that we can all agree that we need to leave the past in the past and move on."

I waited for their voices to speak up in solid agreement. The only thing I heard was the rattle of a lock against one of the cages that Cassie was checking.

"Guys?" I tried to make eye contact with each of them but not a single one even glanced in my direction.

Rachel drummed her fingers against the wall. Ax cautiously sat down on the ground. Silence.

Marco finally stood up from his bale of hay. "Okay, if no one else is going to speak up, then I will. Jake, buddy, we think something's wrong."

It wasn't the reaction that I had expected, but it was better than what I'd been working with before. "Yes, I know. Last night was bad. Something went wrong. That's why we need to talk about this and then put it all be-"

"No, Jake," Marco interrupted. "We think something's wrong with _you_."

_That _was unexpected. But a leader takes things in stride.

"What are you talking about, Marco?" I asked steadily. I smoothed down some wrinkles on my shirt and ran a hand through my hair.

Marco started pacing across the floor, back and forth. "Jake…yesterday you froze. You shut down. You stopped moving, you stopped fighting, you stopped telling us what to do. We were right in the middle of a high-risk operation, and you freakin' stopped everything. You quit on us. Jake, that's not normal."

"Since when have we been normal?" I demanded.

"You know what I mean," Marco insisted. He stopped his pacing to look at me. "Something's wrong with you."

"You're wrong, Marco," I said angrily. "You're wrong, and what's more, you're getting us off track. Let's just remember why we're here."

Marco threw up his hands in frustration. "I give up. At least I tried."

I tried to center myself. Marco had thrown me off, he had messed me up. Just think, Jake. Take a deep breath. Take another one. Okay, let's go. "The reason we're here," I said forcefully, "is so that we can understand that last night didn't go so well, and realize that we just need to move on."

"Yeah, guys," Cassie said dutifully. I threw her a grateful look for backing me, and she just smiled sadly. "Maybe Jake has something. Let's remember why we're fighting. We're trying to save humanity, no matter how dramatic it sounds. Fighting amongst ourselves isn't going to help us do that."

"Exact-"

"Saving humanity? That's not why I'm fighting," Rachel muttered. She shook her hair defiantly and glared around the room, daring anyone to challenge her.

"Yeah, but you're crazy," Marco said bluntly.

Rachel whirled around to face him, her blue eyes blazing. "Shut up, Marco! Just shut up before I make you! I'm not the crazy one here."

Marco seemed ready to angrily retort, but I stepped between them. "Chill, guys. Like Cassie said, that's not why we're here. Calm down."

Marco stalked away from Rachel, frustrated. "Now_ he's_ telling us to calm down."

I didn't allow myself to try to figure out what he meant by that. Obviously Marco and Rachel both weren't in good moods. Maybe it was time to end this meeting, let everyone rest for a few days, and then reconvene.

No. Giving up meant failure, and I was not failing at this. I wasn't failing again…

"Marco. Rachel. Just…stop. Just…let me…" Everyone stopped moving and turned to look at me. But I couldn't concentrate. I closed my eyes and raised my hands to my head, trying to stop the incessant pounding taking place right behind my eyes. If everyone would just stop staring at me, stop expecting me to know everything…

"He's doing it again," I heard someone say, but they sounded far away.

_Shut up, _I thought. _Shut up and let me think. _

"Jake, are you okay?" It sounded like Cassie. Why was she talking? Why couldn't they just let me be? "Jake? Jake!"

_Shut up shut up shut up. _

"Jake, snap out of it!"

"Shut up!" I yelled and opened my eyes. Everyone was crowded around me, staring with wide eyes.

"I'm fine! I'm fine," I said, calming myself down. I smiled reassuringly at them. "Everything's fine."

"Jake, this is what I'm talking about," Marco said quietly. "You completely spaced out on us. You can't be doing that in the middle of a battle."

Marco's right, Tobias thought-spoke. Jake, you need a break.

I ignored both of them. They didn't know what they were talking about. "This meeting was a bad idea," I admitted. "I guess everyone needs more time to deal with what happened yesterday." Cutting the meeting short didn't count as failing. It was…wisely judging a situation and choosing the best outcome.

"Jake, why won't you listen to us?" Cassie looked up at me, her eyes begging. She laid a hand on my arm. "We talked about this before you came in. We think you're stressed, we think something's not right."

I jerked away from her grasp. "You talked about me? Behind my back?"

Prince Jake, we are simply worried about you. Ax spoke up in thought-speak, apparently deciding that he wouldn't bother with human mouths.

"This isn't about me," I told him. "This is about last night, about the way everyone reacted to it."

"No, Jake," Rachel said, her voice sounding dangerous and tight. "This is about last night and the way _you_ reacted to it."

They were closing in on me, all of them trying to overwhelm me.

"Jake, we were fine last night. We were fine! It was you who screwed up. It was you who went home and didn't feel right. It was _you _who failed!" Rachel's eyes were colder than ice.

Rachel! Tobias admonished, and he must have said something to her in thought-speak, because she turned away from me, fists still clenched.

Failed…Failure…I had failed my team.

No, I _hadn't. _There was nothing wrong with me.

"You know what?" I said. "All of you were the ones who put me in charge. You were the ones who said that I had to be leader. So blame yourselves." I turned away from them and shook my head. "Obviously this meeting was a bad idea. I made a mistake in calling it, and I can accept that. No one's ready to deal with what happened yesterday night."

"Jake," Cassie said softly. She was pleading with me, gently. "Jake, please. Don't pretend like it's okay. We can't fix this if you don't acknowledge it."

I tore my gaze away from hers. "Meeting adjourned," I said coldly, and walked out of the barn.


End file.
